I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
