I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
