i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
