I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
it hurts more in the daytime
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
