That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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