So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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