Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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