I accidentally had phone sex last night
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
