I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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