then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Randomize
