Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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