I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
