Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
