so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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