i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
