Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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