sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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