You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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