Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Randomize
