Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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