Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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