I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
