Your face is a jimmy john
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
