if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
