Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
