My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
