Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
