he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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