i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
