How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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