If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
