You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
