I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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