i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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