the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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