He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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