he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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