eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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