I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize