Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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