I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I think I won the penis lottery.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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