Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
