This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
