that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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