I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
