Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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