I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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