WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
