I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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