I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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