What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
