nut hugger
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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