Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize