I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
