i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
