I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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