I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
