I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
