I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize