I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
