Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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