I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
