Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We need to get me chipped asap
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
