he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
