Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
