how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
