Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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