no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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