Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
