You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
