I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I will be naked everywhere
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
