Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
